Please forgive me...

In November of 2016 I had an opportunity to vote for several elected officials.  It should come as no surprise to people who know me and my background that I come from a fairly conservative, pro-military, fiscally conservative background.  In a generalization, I was republican.

In November of 2016 I was also a new mom of 4 (of 4, not a new mom) and not nearly has current to the world as I want, hope or still strive to be.  God had already starting revealing to me my white privilege at this point but it was still the beginning of the journey for me realizing the racism that persists in my heart. Yes racism; yes I have two black children and I thank God everyday for those two children for so many reasons. One definitely is that God used them as a catalyst to pull back my blinders of white privilege and racism in my own life and in American culture.

In November of 2016 I "voted" for names I didn't recognize for several areas of government. I came to the president section and sat there for 10 minutes in agony. I reviewed and reviewed and felt helpless.  I had men and women of faith I trust tell me why to vote for Trump and why not to vote for Trump. I justified in my head that I live in Texas so we are going red, mine clearly doesn't matter. And then clicked the bubble for Trump instead of Clinton. I was shocked that he was even on the ballot and spent all of 2016 thinking there is no way it will happen. And it did.

In June of 2018, my journey of understanding the stories and experiences of people not like me has continued.  And I realized that the election outcome happened because of people like me. Shocked that his name ever got on the ballot. Shocked and yet still clicked the bubble. I regret voting for Trump. I wish I hadn't. My "reckless" vote is part of why we are where we are right now.   Were there reasons? Sure, but now I know they weren't the important ones. Especially to my marginalized friends, I am sorry. I didn't make time to understand your experience in the United States and how people, policies, and laws are prejudiced. To my daughters and fellow women, I'm sorry a voted for someone that treats us as objects. On the moral values I hold and the God I trust, I shouldn't have voted for him.

In June of 2018, I struggle with "hiding" behind comments made like "Who could possibly have voted for him?" I feel called not to hide but to repent and ask for forgiveness for my ignorance and choice.  I still have to live knowing I voted for him but should I hide?

In June of 2018, I choose to admit my mistake and say that despite my vote, this is wrong. I don't have to "live" with my vote for 4 years and file in the ranks. I can try to build bridges and not vote along party lines.  I can build relationships with people NOT like me to understand different backgrounds and perspective. I can choose to sacrifice things for me and my life to elevate those who have been marginalized for centuries.

In June of 2018, I can ask those that read this to honestly ask themselves if separating children 

from their family of origin is acceptable to deter immigration? I love all 4 of my children, yet two are with their family of origin and two are not.  The two that aren't, feel the pain, the trauma, and the loss of identity of having parents that don't look like them and don't share their DNA. I understand immigration is a hot topic and the solutions are hard and difficult and I don't have answers.  I just know the incredible value of family and have to say something.

In June of 2018, I choose to say that the Attorney General's use of Romans 13:1 is a gross mischaracterization. Read the entire chapter here. One part to highlight; "You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. And AG, please remember some heroes of faith that did the morally right thing despite the law: Shiphrah and Puah, Rahab, Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego, Daniel, and the Apostles whom continued to share the gospel here and here.

In June of 2018, I choose to contact my representatives in Texas to say I don't support the separation of families at the border. If you live where I live, the information is below.

Representative John Carter : 202-225-3864

Texas Senator John Cornyn : 202-224-2934

Texas Senator Ted Cruz : 202-224-5922

In June of 2018, what will you do? Find your Senators here and Representatives here.

And we survived SWING week...

Cory has worked his last 4 days from 2:00pm-12:00am (swing shift). If you know Cory at all, that means he's actually working all the up until midnight and that means working OT because he has to actually finish up all the "stuff" he does (it's A LOT more than most people think!). So he's on averaging rolling into bed at 2:30 am.
What does that mean for this mama? Well, no help in the morning and no help in the bewitching hours of dinner prep, dinner time, bedtime, and dinner clean up.  I have set records this week on paper plates used, non-cooked lunches and dinners (including 2 dinners that were consumed by EVERYONE in the van from incredibly healthy and delicious Chick-Fil-A and Marco's Pizza), and food that includes ZERO utensils.  And we survived.

Of course Murphy's law has it that this is the week both my daughters would run out of clean panties so we have laundry clean BUT EVERYWHERE (well my 7 yo went to school with "damp" underpants because the dryer couldn't dry them quite enough this morning.  She's a trooper!) Also, I tried to cook last night but burned the bacon so National Pizza Day had my name all over it! SIDE NOTE: Marco's currently has a special of medium pizzas for $5.99. And we survived.

Books weren't read every night, instead of reading the Bible like normal, I lost patience, my children went several places in pajamas because it eliminated another step at bedtime, I lost patience, we watched 2 movies and television shows, I lost patience. And we survived.

And here's the thing, at one point I was feeling guilty for having a disastrous house and not-so-healthy meals.  I was feeling worthless, unlovable, and undervalued.  And guess what, that's freaking lies. Lie hurled by the enemy when I'm down to keep me down. Keep moms down.  I can't have weeks where we eat like this all the time, but sometimes seasons are about surviving. This past week was one of those and I encourage you mamas, if it's your season, tell Satan to back off.  Repent your sin to Jesus, repent to your kiddos (because they won't know how if we don't model) and trust Jesus' grace to cover everything, including SWING WEEK.

SIDE NOTE: Single mamas, weeks like this make me utterly in awe at your determination, perseverance, and resilience.  You too keep fighting and I'm sorry I don't remember you are always in SWING week.

Colorblindness is an enemy...

I don't see color.
I didn't enslave anyone.
I worked for all I have.
The most discriminated against person is the white male.

Have you said any of those statements? Do any of those statements strike a nerve?

I humbly confess that I have said all of those statements.  And when they were said I was ignorant of how minorities have to navigate life and have navigated life for centuries. I am saddened but my lack of empathy for people; my friends. Please forgive me my ignorance and lack of knowledge.  Please forgive me for not listening better and immediately being defensive. Please forgive me for not learning sooner. I am incredibly grateful that God grew our family in a completely unexpected way; a way that is encouraging me to finally take off my blinders and grow in ways I didn't know I even needed.

My children will be living in a different world than I do. I am in the majority and Jolie and Josiah are not. Have you ever been aware of your white-ness? I will never forget last summer being at the children's museum and my son was playing inside the fenced park while I sat with his sisters eating lunch. Then, he disappeared; no where to be seen. Instant panic and frantic searching for what felt like an eternity was alleviated when an employee brought him back to the park. She truly believed him to be a lost child and was looking for his mother. And I couldn't possibly be that, because I am white. Never had I been more aware that I am not black.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me and I have much more to learn and process as I want to to help my babies know how to navigate life. This sermon put words and terms to many things our family has felt the last 2.5 years. Listen to it; it will challenge you, it will grow you. I'm thankful a dear friend recommended it to me. I am excited to delve into the books he references to learn more. 

Will you learn with me? And here is the rub, it's probably more important for white families to listen to it because of white transparency, white normativity, and structural advantage.  Confused about those terms? I was too; so take a listen (or read the transcript) and let's learn together. I mean look at them; they are totally worth it!

LISTEN TO THIS.

ALL People

The world is a tough place.  It became tough when sin entered. Simple truth, simple disobedience; great consequences; great sorrow. If you don't know Jesus or even hate Him, please keep reading. Remember it is my lens and you have your own.

The world today seems worse than before but that is lie. A simple study of history will show us that humanity has ebbed and flowed and struggled with the same cultural issues through the generations.   The Bible will tell us the same thing. Ecclesiastes 1:9: "What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun (read more here)."

I will not pretend to be a Biblical scholar nor an expert on social issues. What I'm burdened with though, is figuring out how to start conversations. I am beloved woman of God, wife of a police officer, mother of black and white children that wants discuss hard issues of faith, politics, women's rights (even as a pro-lifer), race, law enforcement, homosexuality, and much more. I'm lucky to be in a nation where I can worship what and whom I want. I am currently studying the gospel of John and  read this passage today. My favorite part: "And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw ALL people to myself (emphasis mine).

Jesus is directly talking to his disciples at this time with others able to hear. The conversation started earlier in the passage when Greeks came up to Philip seeking Jesus. Up until this time, most of Jesus' ministry dealt specifically with Jews and Israel. And Jesus shifts the conversation to discuss his crucifixion. And He INCLUDES ALL PEOPLE. In case you need the definition of ALL: the whole amount, quantity, or extent of; as much as possible.

NO ONE is off limits for Jesus. Reading that, I am incredibly convicted about who I consider off limits. What topics I deem off limits to discuss because I don't want to offend friends that don't love Jesus and yet I don't want my voice silenced. Who will I not talk to out of fear? I believe Satan is winning this battle among Jesus lovers.  I want to talk with others' with different perspectives and lifestyles because I believe Jesus is for ALL people and wants all to come to Him (2 Peter 3:9)

Will YOU talk to me? The woman who loves and worships Jesus Christ, married to a police officer, raising multi-racial children, pro-woman and pro-life, lover of people and hates one thing, SIN. First and foremost, my own sin of pride, selfishness and self-righteousness.  Because here's the thing; I am not defined by any of my stances but simply on my identity in Christ. What thing on that list makes you think I'm ignorant, arrogant, or stupid? I say, let's start on those topics. I will NOT exclude you; will you include me?

12 days of Christmas...

First, let me just get this done with, I do love my babies....all 4 of them.  I also tell my oldest 3 that Zeke is my favorite because he doesn't talk back and eats what I give him. I know full well that in 3 years when Zeke is 3, one of the others will be the favorite.

Second, yes, it's been an incredibly long time since I last posted...basically our finalization of adoption 18 months ago.  Lots has changed since then. Just check out the new family photo with a new family member.

Third, I have done one Christmas card my whole life and it was when Jojo (Jolie and Josiah) joined our family. Consider this our Christmas card :)

Now, why I am really here.  I want to provide a very deep and insightful post about how awesome the Christmas season is but this isn't it.  And I have had some incredible highlights:

• Swimming at Nana and Gdaddy's in December because they heated the pool
• Seeing Aunt Abby, Uncle Brett, and cousin Etta
• Christmas Eve service and Christmas Day service at church where my kids got snow that I'm totally ok with experiencing!
• Sweet time with neighbors before Christmas playing games
• SUGAR (let's be honest, TOO MUCH sugar)
• Several sweet moments in the Word with Jesus teaching me about why He is the reason for the season.

Those moments have also had their counterparts:

• 2 rather large fights with the husband mostly out of exhaustion
• Tempers flaring at my children whom I adore yet they can drive me to crazy faster than anyone
• 6 hours in a van packed for what looked like a 3 month vacation because a family of 6 is a lot of people in which I ordered our mobile CFA (Chick-Fil-A for people who don't live in the south or have children) for the wrong location.
• Discipline for hitting and fighting over toys they have had less than 24 hours
• Sleepless night on Christmas Eve because why not have your worst infant night that night?

Just a mere 12 days ago I was longing for a break from our daily life and schedule.  No real reason to get out of bed, relax at my parents, get some rest. Well those 12 days have come and gone and I am done! I had dreams of a Christmas day where no discipline or parenting is needed because every child is happy with what they got and they don't want to fight over what s/he has. I had a dream that they will be happy on the what I now call "the-most-terrible-day-of-the-year," December 26th. That's right, December 26th is now a day where there is no more gifts and no more gratitude.  I am so ready for school to be back.  I don't even care that it actually starts on Monday, January 2nd , technically a holiday. Breaks are so important but 2 FULL weeks with sugar, gifts, Santa, Jesus, family, parties, etc have exhausted me and my family. It's funny how I thought the schedule and daily life exhausted me and just 12 days ago I wanted the break.

As I write this though, I wonder how Jesus views my attitude after the Christmas day has come and gone? Am I over the gifts He has given me? Have I lost the gratitude? Did He sin when He was tired? Do I "fight" over someone else's spiritual gifts because mine aren't as cool? At the beginning of advent season, I memorized 1 Timothy 1:15: "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."

Moms, non-schedules are tough and so are schedules. And 4 kids is tough; so is 1 when it's all you know. Don't look for balance (that's a curse word with my mom friends) but look for what is needed right now I suppose.  I needed the break...Now, I need the schedule. But thankfully Jesus came for this stuff.  He came for sinners; me and my kids. I'm thankful for the reminder that my sin doesn't quit on Christmas but neither does His grace.

P.S. Can someone remind me how I feel right now when March comes around and I am READY for a BREAK?

Toothless Finalization

It's amazing how fast and slow 6 months can go!  So much of the last 6 months is blur of survival; good news, all 5 pictured above proves we have SURVIVED! Let me tell you a little bit about that day.

1.  We were before the judge for a matter of 3 minutes tops!
2.  Josiah, the child who wants to be held all day long every day, chose this to be the 3 minutes that he didn't want to be held.
3.  While nothing in our daily life changed in these 3 minutes, we did officially add TWO more Knops to the our clan.  That's right; names now match mommy, daddy, and sister.
4.  The significance of this day became clear just 3 days later.

That's right; three days after finalization we had to make a decision as parents that had 4-5 year impact for Josiah.  We went to the park to play on a gorgeous day.  While putting Josiah in the swing, he smiled his huge sweet grin. BAM! I see his cracked front tooth. Mind you, our son didn't cry of pain at all when he cracked his tooth so I have no idea how he actually did this to his tooth! Mom of the year award right there. Anyway, per suggestion of our friend and dentist (Dr. Hassler at Legend Dental if you are in the market for a dentist), we began the search of a pediatric dentist open on a Saturday.  Side note: If you want to work Monday-Thursday with a 90 minute lunch break, specialize in pediatric dentistry. BUT, if you need one, Dr. Melanson at Austin Children's Dentistry was fantastic!) Upon x-rays, it was clear due to the nerve being exposed that we had to do something. After weighing our options we decided to extract his front tooth as putting him under general anesthesia didn't seem worth it for a baby tooth.  He is still so dang cute toothless! And interestingly enough, had this happened before finalization, the same decision would likely have been made but we would have been contacting the adoption agency before pulling it.  It was honestly a little weird but wonderful that we weren't contacting the agency to keep them in the loop.

While this whole experience was a bit traumatic for mom, it also became an event that solidified Josiah and Jolie as Knops. We had to make the decision to pull his tooth, in his best interest. And it will have lasting impact as his permanent tooth will be a long a time coming!  And maybe that's why he chipped his tooth; it left us, Josiah's parents, to make a lasting, long-term decision further demonstrating that God has made Jolie and Josiah permanent Knops.

As parents we sacrificed Josiah's front tooth for his greater good.  I was logically on board with Dr. Melanson when we chose to extract Josiah's tooth. Once blood started flow, I was a wreck.  In light of Good Friday, I am thinking of what God sacrificed for my greater good. Imagine the emotion God felt on Good Friday; seriously consider what God and Jesus endured. Both knew exactly why Jesus came to earth and that Jesus would be sacrificed once for all (1 Peter 3:18). We know Jesus struggled with the plan as he prayed in Gethsemane for another way (Matthew 26:36-42, Mark 14:32-39, Luke 22:39-46). I am left pondering what God may have felt allowing Jesus to be whipped, beaten, mocked, spit upon, and crucified. If you are parent, think of how you feel when your child is truly suffering? I can only imagine that the crucifixion had to be exponentially more emotional.  See, I sacrificed something of Josiah's for Josiah; but God sacrificed His son for others, for ME.

Without the 6 months of survival/struggle as a family of 5 and 3 minutes before the judge, our children's adoption isn't final. Without Good Friday, God's adoption of me isn't final either.  I'm left celebrating this Good Friday with a slightly different perspective.  Enduring suffering and long days filled with trials led to potentially one of the most defining moments of our family. Jesus' enduring the cross led to one of the most defining moments in the history of the world and for me personally.

What trials are you barely surviving? What's your perspective?  Can you trust that the trials may be leading to something great? Hold on, fight the good fight because resurrection Sunday is coming.


**People continue to ask how they can support our new family. Please continue to pray and consider a financial donation to finish our race! You can donate here.

He looks just like......

YOU!  That is not a typo y'all..... Let me tell you the story.

Does he look like me???

I had a last minute opportunity to visit Virginia, but more importantly visit one of my dearest friends over Valentine's Day weekend.  (YES, my husband and I chose to do Valentine's day apart..GASP! Sidenote #1: my daughters had one of the best Valentine's with daddy). Anyway, there was no way just a mere 5 months into our new family of 5 that daddy was going to man the fort with all 3 kiddos for 5 days (Let it be know, mommy wouldn't have either).  It was about $400 worth of clarity to know which kids were staying home as Josiah still flies FREE (Sidenote #2: Airlines are smart to make it under 2 flies free....2 may be stretching it because the airplane was not so much for my mobile son!).

So the trip to VA was pretty much awesome if we weren't on an airplane.  Great food, company, and guilty pleasure of Impractical Jokesters (Sidenote #3: watch it! So funny but not a family friendly option).  Moving right along to stepping off the last airplane of the trip in Austin, TX. Incredibly exhausted from little sleep and standing for 90 minutes (thanks to a middle seat between two business men...thank you Delta!), the flight attendant at the door says, "He looks just like you!"

My response, "Thank you! Have a great day!" Now, my son is pretty dang handsome so I'm not insulted but I don't think he looks like a girl either :) But this did leave me with some interesting thoughts.

1. I am often sensitive/paranoid to what our new family looks like to other people. As I have pondered this more, it was actually refreshing (and very comical) that others saw Josiah as my son.  The last 5 months have been "SEE PREVIOUS POST"and so this moment has helped me see that we are forming as a family.
2. I don't have to explain my family to everyone. I love being an advocate for adoption and our family is a testimony to such.  But not everyone all the time needs the full story.  Through adoption training, we are encouraged to be cautious with what we do share about our children's stories but it is certainly a balancing act and this was a moment for me to let it be.  Yup, he is my son.
3.  And now the zinger: How much do I say as a person to fill space/ease tension/break silence? I'm reading and listening to a sermon series in James.  ...But no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison (James 3:8). This flight attendant was truly sincere and sweet; no evil intent.  But I do know the truth that Josiah doesn't have any of my genetics to look like me so as I have thought about it the last few weeks, I keep thinking about things I might say because my tongue is restless.  Definition of restless: Unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.  As a woman (yes, even me...haha if you know me well), we are flippant with our tongue.  Prayer requests can quickly turn to gossip and I don't stop it.  I can actually pick a fight with my husband just because I can't be quiet! I don't like quiet so I know I often fill the space from boredom.  Or when trying to comfort a friend I HAVE to say something instead of being silent and listening. This is still being flushed out in my head and heart with actual application, but I can tell God is speaking to me about it  And it might just be best to zip it and listen.
4.  Lastly, people must think I have a very handsome black husband :)